Flowers Can Grow In Unlikely Places

I moved to LA shortly after graduating from The New York Conservatory For Dramatic Arts. I had $300 to my name at graduation. I come from a pretty big family so I figured I would get $25-50 from just the aunts and uncles on both sides of my family,(10 total) I'd have an extra $200-500 for the trek across the country. Two out of ten ain't bad, I suppose. $75 extra is better than zero. Thank God for Mom and Dad and MawMaw (that's what we call Grandma in West Virginia).I packed my car full of everything that would fit with one of my best friends, Joey. We drove to Charlotte, NC and stayed a night with my Mom before heading west. After leaving NC, I had about $900 to make the trip with hopes of getting hot on the tables in Vegas (which didn't happen by the way). We arrived in LA after a weekend in Vegas and I had about $350 and about two weeks I figured to find a job waiting tables, which I had no experience doing, but my resume said I had plenty and that I was damn good at it. Got lucky and got hired at a restaurant in Beverly Hills. And that's when the journey in LA officially began.I grew up in a "...probably not...if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all" kind of environment. I feel like I heard that phrase more times than I can count as a kid. The majority of the mindset around me was entrenched with pessimism. Somehow, I turned out to be a glass is always half-full kind of guy. I am an optimist at heart. I see the best in the worst. I tend to realize the positive out of the negative. Instead of probably not, I think "why not". Instead of playing it safe, I say take risks. Playing it safe is for kids. Safe is boring. Taking risks can be scary but it is exciting. I'll take scary and excitement over boredom any day of the week.Depending on one's prospective, the odds are always against you or they are with you. Just depends who you think you are and who you believe you can become, and if you really care about what other people or the odds say. They are only numbers. We are all numbers who were brought into this world at a specific time and date, all of which are represented by numbers. So why not give the numbers a whirl, go with or against the odds, and take some chances with the time we are granted here on this mysterious place called earth? Hells yea. I mean, why not, right?

So How's The Acting Thing Going?

The question so many friends and family always ask is, "So, how's the acting thing going?" Like it's some kind of experiment or something. It's kind of like the "How did it go?" question that's asked after auditions. 'It went.' 'It's going.' It's hard to explain to those on the outside who really have no idea what it's like to go through the things I have to go through to get where I want to go. Like going into a blank room and having nothing but your imagination to work with when everything that's written in the script only exists in your mind. Auditioning and acting are two different animal, two different sports. Auditioning is like golf, where everything and all eyes are on you. All you have is the ball (the script in this case) and everyone (casting, directors, producers) is watching to see what you do with it. Acting, is like football...where you react according to the the circumstances, depending on what your teammates/opponents (other characters) do to you. Make sense? Sort of, kind of? Not really? Ok. Yea, neither does this business sometimes.

Landing the role that helps you "break-thru", or any role for that matter, can be so excruciatingly mind-boggling that it can and will damn near drive you crazy. Let me throw this analogy at you...Imagine trying to find happiness, yea? Or...let's say love. That's all anyone wants in life, to be happy and find love, right? You meet so many (auditions) different people along the way. Some you know from first sight (terrible scripts) that they're not right for you. Some you see and think on the surface (a role you feel you can sink your teeth into) 'Hey, this may work!' Then you get further (callbacks) into it and that may be it. It doesn't go your way. Not for you. It's hard. Then every so often one comes along and you are thrilled by what you see. You meet them and you meet again (another callback)...and sometimes again (producers session) and again (director & producer session)...maybe two months go by (casting for films can take forevvvver) and they want to meet one more time (screen test) and you get a little giddy inside because you know this might be the one. This could be it! Then sometimes for reasons unbeknownst to you, it's not going any further. Yea, that's when it is really hard. So close to finding love...But close doesn't count for much. Then it's on to the next one. It either makes you want it more (knowing your so close), or makes you want to give up (think about doing something else with your life). The latter I just cannot see myself doing.

Growing up, I always thought of myself as an athlete and always thought that I would end up working in the sports industry one way or another. However, an injury in high school (a blog about this in the near future) turned out to be the catalyst that put me on the path I am on. My mother gave me a profound book when I was a kid. The book and the philosophies within it, have stuck with me ever since. They can be applied to pretty much anything in life. Using failure as motivation. Putting the work in. Preparation. Believing in yourself.

"I can accept failure but I can't accept not trying. I've always believed that if you put in the work, the results will come. I don't do things half-heartedly. Because I know if I do, then I can expect half-hearted results. Always turn a negative situation into a positive. Obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it. Some people want it to happen, some wish it would happen, and others make it happen. My mother is my root, my foundation. She planted the seed that I base my life on, and that is the belief that the ability to achieve starts in your mind."

The book was calledI Can't Accept Not Trying by Michael Jordan.

"I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

A Life Not For The Easily Discouraged

So, I've decided write a blog as I go along on this journey of mine.  It's for anyone really. Those who are in my shoes, want to be in my shoes (I feel for you already), or those who just may be interested in what it's like to live a life (or lack thereof) like mine...and maybe as some sort of self-therapy. At the conservatory I went to in New York, 5,000 kids auditioned to get in. Only 150 kids were accepted in my class, and all of us were divided in to groups of 12-15 kids. I remember the one of the teachers breaking down the statistics. After he broke it down, he said that statistics say that maybe, MAYBE, 3 out of each group would still be acting or pursuing it after 2 years. I believe I didn't choose to become an actor, circumstances (more about this in a later blog) out of my control (for the most part) just happened to make things happen this way. And for a reason. I remember looking around the room trying to figure out who the other 2 would be, because I knew that I would be one of the 3. Without question, I knew that was a guarantee.

I live a 'life of the unpredictable'. There is no day that is the same. Nothing is guaranteed. The only guarantee is that there are no guarantees. That can be frightening as much as it is exciting. I wouldn't change my life (on the surface) for security (whatever that means for you) if it meant I lived a life of repetition--a 'life of the predictable'. Don't get me wrong, working a 9-5 gives you stability, a 401k, health insurance, etc and that's how my parents took care of me...but that's just not me. Although it's as if I'm in the tunnel and it's dark and uncertain what's at the end of the tunnel for sure. I enjoy life the way it is with the absolute belief that there will be light at the end, and it will be bright. Could my life be better? Sure. However, it DEFINITELY could be worse. You know the saying, 'Gotta take the good with the bad' right? Story of my life. Like when you're up for a part in film opposite say a Sam Worthington and Michael Mann says, "He may be too pretty for the role." The gift and the curse, right? Geez. I'm not big on moral victories, but to avoid driving yourself to insanity, this is a career path where you have to have some satisfaction that someone like Mr. Mann now knows who you are.

I've been to producers sessions, directors sessions, chemistry reads, and down to the final three more times than I'd like to count. It sucks getting soooo close and not getting the gig and if you let it, it can become discouraging. You have to have to be extremely strong to avoid it get inside your head in a negative way. On the other hand, it gives my agent and manager confidence that their instincts were right about me when they decided to take me on. It also gives me more fuel to my fire and I'll continue to work hard and roll with the punches until I get what I want. For instance, I had a screen test for a role as a series regular for a show called True Blood on HBO and didn't get the part. Honestly, if I landed that role... my life would be different in so many ways. I wouldn't be broke. I'd be out of debt, and I wouldn't have to drive my "Hope Mobile". The car that I hope starts and hope it gets me from point A to B and back to A.  But the whole process was a life-changing experience in itself and has definitely made me a better person and actor because of it. In this life, you win some and you lose a lot more than you win. The fact that I got to do a chemistry read opposite Sam Trammell and meet Allan Ball twice and he also now knows the name Ryan Dorsey...(sigh)chalk one up to another reluctant moral victory.

 Being on the edge of that kind of success definitely assures me that I am doing the right thing with my life. However, not every audition is so assuring. Take for example, an audition for a guest star on a CW show (where the content was subpar) and the feedback was simply, "he wasn't any good." (the show never ran...guess we both sucked) Both make me want it even more.

There will be times where auditions feel like they go great, and you never even get to hear what they thought. I've learned to forget about it when I walk out the door and move on to the next. Yea, much easier said than done. Especially when the million dollar question and really the only question that can be asked is, "How did it go?" "It went and I went out the door" is the response I wish I could give. But when my manager asks me obviously that's not suffice. Instead I have to give every detail, because that is how they gauge how they think it went in their heads. Sometimes it goes like this...

MGR: "Hey, so how'd it go?"

ME: "Well, I did it once. He said good. He gave me an adjustment, said "Nice work, brother". Then he asked where I was from and how long I have been in LA...and that was it. I believe I gave a good read."

MGR: "Good. Well, that's good. Seems like he took interest."

ME: "Yup. I believe so."

MGR: "Well good. So we'll see what happens. In the meantime, I'm working on another project for you, I'll keep you posted."

ME: "Sounds good. We'll talk to you soon."

I've called this blog Persevering In Pursuit of Happiness , because simply put, I know that's what I have to do: PERSEVERE. At the end of the day, (oh, how I loathe that expression! WHAT ABOUT @THE BEGINNING!?...sorry) all I want to do is work and be happy doing what I love to do--and have a career that never feels like "work." To make it in this business you have to fight through all of the NOs before I get that one YES that makes the journey worth the grinding and all the ups and downs that come along with it. Sounds simple, yea? This life of mine is everything but simple...Stay tuned.