A Life Not For The Easily Discouraged

So, I've decided write a blog as I go along on this journey of mine.  It's for anyone really. Those who are in my shoes, want to be in my shoes (I feel for you already), or those who just may be interested in what it's like to live a life (or lack thereof) like mine...and maybe as some sort of self-therapy. At the conservatory I went to in New York, 5,000 kids auditioned to get in. Only 150 kids were accepted in my class, and all of us were divided in to groups of 12-15 kids. I remember the one of the teachers breaking down the statistics. After he broke it down, he said that statistics say that maybe, MAYBE, 3 out of each group would still be acting or pursuing it after 2 years. I believe I didn't choose to become an actor, circumstances (more about this in a later blog) out of my control (for the most part) just happened to make things happen this way. And for a reason. I remember looking around the room trying to figure out who the other 2 would be, because I knew that I would be one of the 3. Without question, I knew that was a guarantee.

I live a 'life of the unpredictable'. There is no day that is the same. Nothing is guaranteed. The only guarantee is that there are no guarantees. That can be frightening as much as it is exciting. I wouldn't change my life (on the surface) for security (whatever that means for you) if it meant I lived a life of repetition--a 'life of the predictable'. Don't get me wrong, working a 9-5 gives you stability, a 401k, health insurance, etc and that's how my parents took care of me...but that's just not me. Although it's as if I'm in the tunnel and it's dark and uncertain what's at the end of the tunnel for sure. I enjoy life the way it is with the absolute belief that there will be light at the end, and it will be bright. Could my life be better? Sure. However, it DEFINITELY could be worse. You know the saying, 'Gotta take the good with the bad' right? Story of my life. Like when you're up for a part in film opposite say a Sam Worthington and Michael Mann says, "He may be too pretty for the role." The gift and the curse, right? Geez. I'm not big on moral victories, but to avoid driving yourself to insanity, this is a career path where you have to have some satisfaction that someone like Mr. Mann now knows who you are.

I've been to producers sessions, directors sessions, chemistry reads, and down to the final three more times than I'd like to count. It sucks getting soooo close and not getting the gig and if you let it, it can become discouraging. You have to have to be extremely strong to avoid it get inside your head in a negative way. On the other hand, it gives my agent and manager confidence that their instincts were right about me when they decided to take me on. It also gives me more fuel to my fire and I'll continue to work hard and roll with the punches until I get what I want. For instance, I had a screen test for a role as a series regular for a show called True Blood on HBO and didn't get the part. Honestly, if I landed that role... my life would be different in so many ways. I wouldn't be broke. I'd be out of debt, and I wouldn't have to drive my "Hope Mobile". The car that I hope starts and hope it gets me from point A to B and back to A.  But the whole process was a life-changing experience in itself and has definitely made me a better person and actor because of it. In this life, you win some and you lose a lot more than you win. The fact that I got to do a chemistry read opposite Sam Trammell and meet Allan Ball twice and he also now knows the name Ryan Dorsey...(sigh)chalk one up to another reluctant moral victory.

 Being on the edge of that kind of success definitely assures me that I am doing the right thing with my life. However, not every audition is so assuring. Take for example, an audition for a guest star on a CW show (where the content was subpar) and the feedback was simply, "he wasn't any good." (the show never ran...guess we both sucked) Both make me want it even more.

There will be times where auditions feel like they go great, and you never even get to hear what they thought. I've learned to forget about it when I walk out the door and move on to the next. Yea, much easier said than done. Especially when the million dollar question and really the only question that can be asked is, "How did it go?" "It went and I went out the door" is the response I wish I could give. But when my manager asks me obviously that's not suffice. Instead I have to give every detail, because that is how they gauge how they think it went in their heads. Sometimes it goes like this...

MGR: "Hey, so how'd it go?"

ME: "Well, I did it once. He said good. He gave me an adjustment, said "Nice work, brother". Then he asked where I was from and how long I have been in LA...and that was it. I believe I gave a good read."

MGR: "Good. Well, that's good. Seems like he took interest."

ME: "Yup. I believe so."

MGR: "Well good. So we'll see what happens. In the meantime, I'm working on another project for you, I'll keep you posted."

ME: "Sounds good. We'll talk to you soon."

I've called this blog Persevering In Pursuit of Happiness , because simply put, I know that's what I have to do: PERSEVERE. At the end of the day, (oh, how I loathe that expression! WHAT ABOUT @THE BEGINNING!?...sorry) all I want to do is work and be happy doing what I love to do--and have a career that never feels like "work." To make it in this business you have to fight through all of the NOs before I get that one YES that makes the journey worth the grinding and all the ups and downs that come along with it. Sounds simple, yea? This life of mine is everything but simple...Stay tuned.